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MyBCTeam members often share stories and advice about life with metastatic breast cancer. Becky, a longtime member of the social support network, recently spoke with us about how she manages her cancer care team and treatment to focus on what’s most important to her.

“I’m very active in managing my treatment,” Becky said. “I’m the one in charge. The team works for me. I don’t work for them, so I’m not afraid to ask them for anything.”

Becky is originally from New York but has lived in Florida for 22 years. She’s a retired teacher who taught third grade reading and writing. She’s very active as a volunteer at a local elementary school, a children’s clothing store, theaters, and a refugee program. Her husband died after his own battle with cancer before Becky’s initial breast cancer diagnosis in 2014. She was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 2018. It has spread to her bones and brain.

Choosing an Oncologist

Getting the best care for metastatic breast cancer starts with finding an oncologist you trust. “They’re all compassionate people,” she said. “But we have to look for someone who fits our personality. I need someone who’s going to give me definitive answers — someone who’s going to listen. You have to know that they’re there for you.”

The best oncologist for you might not be the first one you see. “The first one, I could have walked out the door after 30 seconds,” Becky said. “It was never going to work out. She was very abrupt. The second oncologist that I went to, I immediately felt comfortable with him.”

Setting Your Treatment Goals

People with metastatic breast cancer have different treatment goals based on what’s most important to them. For Becky, it’s living an active lifestyle.

“I think people living with metastatic breast cancer have to decide on their own what treatment is the best for them,” she said. “A lot of it is dependent on who you live with and how you want to spend your day. For me, it’s really about quality of life.”

Becky recognized that her goals may be different from other people’s. “A lot of people, their advice would be to go, go, go, go until the last treatment is over with,” she said. “But I want to get up and do things every day. I’m on my own, so I have to be able to get into my car and do my thing.”

Clarifying your goals can help you feel confident about your treatment choices. “I’d like to offer other women the advice of deciding what it is that they want out of life so that they can move forward with their treatment,” she said.

What Would You Do if I Were Your Mother?

Ideally, you and your oncologist will be partners in making treatment decisions. You each have an important role to play.

“You’re the one who’s in control, so whatever you want to do should be done,” Becky explained. “But the doctor has the knowledge, so you have to be able to communicate.”

Becky provided an example: “When I was diagnosed with brain mets, I did not want to do whole-head radiation at all. My husband had it, and it changes you. The radiologist gave me my options. And I said, ‘What would you do if I were your mother?’ He said, ‘I would try the drugs first and then see what happens,’ which is exactly what I wanted to do and exactly what I did do.

“I’ve asked my doctor, my oncologist, and my radiologist more than once, ‘What would you do if it were your wife or your mother?’” she said. “And they’re always very honest.”

Not a Month Goes By Without Questions

Becky recommends being prepared for doctors’ appointments and never hesitating to ask questions.

“My conversations with my doctor are ongoing,” she said. “You have to understand what’s happening with you in order to make good decisions with the doctor.”

Writing things down is also vital. “I go into my oncologist with questions written down all the time,” Becky said. “You have to write things down because there’s so much information being thrown at you. If you’re having a rough time, then bring somebody with you who can do it for you.” Most doctors will also let you record the conversation on your phone if you ask.

Becky suggests being open with your doctor about all your needs. “There is not a month that goes by without me having questions,” she continued. “We have conversations about what I need, how I can handle something without taking a drug. I might look up a natural treatment, then present it to him. If he’s heard of it and he’s OK with it, then he says yes. And if he hasn’t heard of it, he’ll say, ‘I’m going to let you know on that one.’”

Know Your Schedule

One way Becky stays in control of her treatment is by keeping a close eye on her treatment schedule. “When I’m getting my treatments, I have my calendar, and I know everything that I have to do,” she explained. “The nursing staff say, ‘What are you doing today?’ And I’ll tell them exactly what treatment I’m having. It’s a joke with them that I always know what I’m having.”

Becky also recommends paying attention to the details of each treatment and knowing what to expect at each appointment. “You should know what they’re supposed to be giving you and when they’re giving that,” she said. “You should know what the drug is and how it’s being put into your body. I think it’s all very important.”

Learn more about chemotherapy, a common treatment for managing metastatic breast cancer.

What Works for You

Becky reminded people with metastatic breast cancer not to limit their options to the first or second treatment they try. “There are a lot of options out there,” she pointed out. “Drugs are coming out every day. The drugs I’m on right now were not here five years ago. There have been times when I had to advocate for myself to get different options.

“What works for you works for you,” she summarized. “If it’s not working for you, go on to the next treatment. Keep moving forward.”

Talk With Others Who Understand

MyBCTeam is the social network for people with breast cancer and their loved ones. On MyBCTeam, more than 68,000 members come together to ask questions, give advice, and share their stories with others who understand life with breast cancer.
Have you been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer? How did you discuss your goals and preferences for treatment with your oncologist? Share your experience in the comments below, or start a conversation by posting on your Activities page.